The Banana And The Cow

Cow And The Banana.png

In an alternate universe, the punchline is Gas Grass Or Ass, Nobody Rides For Free. 

The banana was furious in thought. He was terrifically annoyed by an earworm. It was stuck, but good. It was slowly driving him insane. This will certainly be the last time he would go to Bed, Bath And Beyond®. They should warn you if they are going to pipe in that sort of music. Besides, the banana had just figured out that ‘beyond’ really means merchandise that doesn’t sell at T.J. Maxx®.

The song was “Somewhere Out There” the theme song from An American Tail, an animated musical adventure from 1986 accounting the tail (See what I did there? I’m ashamed, but not enough to prevent me from doing it again.) of Fievel Mousekewitz and his family. To be certain we’re on the same page, Fievel is a cartoon mouse. It is 1885, Fievel and family emigrate from the Imperial Russian territory of Ukraine to the United States after their house is destroyed by cartoon cats, but along the way, Fievel falls off the boat and is separated from his family. Thanks to a bottle and the contrived setting of a benevolent Atlantic Ocean, Fievel arrives in New York. Yadda.

The banana paced in circles, wishing he had hair so he could yank it out. He screamed up to the sky, and like all the other times he had done that, nothing.

A cow sauntered into view. The banana knew what he must do. “Hey cow. It must suck to be udderly useless.” [FACT CHECK: Nothing pisses off a cow more than a body shaming pun.]

The cow’s deformed tail twitched, but that’s a tale for another time. (Told you.) The cow was naturally enraged and charged, head down at the banana. The banana instinctively jumped and found himself sitting on the cow’s back, as if riding it. What a fluke. The banana dismounted, “Yo, milk dud, are you a coward too?”

The cow was suspicious as to why a banana would lip off like that, but anger wiped that thought away. In a blind rage, the cow pounced on the banana, squishing it to death. For good measure, the cow ate him, peel and all.

The banana went through a cloud as the escalator ascended to heaven. Peace would soon be his reward. That was his final thought as “Somewhere Out There” played. It was “Weird Al” Yankovic’ed to “Somewhere Up There.” The banana screamed.

MORAL: Keep your eye on the end game. You may survive a hyper-blizzard only to assume you’re safe indoors just to slip on the stairs and crack your head wide open.


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