SPOILER ALERT: Inefficient Man® strikes a heroic pose in front of the Grand Canyon.

After countless years of being told how inefficient he was by his boss, and especially his wife of 17 years, Blaine Edwards was sufficiently convinced. He decided he would show them what was what, and became the most inefficient man they or anyone had ever seen.

Every morning since then, he would wake up at the crack of dawn, and meditate in front of CNN, the 24-hour news channel, and not the power plant. During this ritual, he felt like saltwater taffy dissolving in water. The salt dissipating leaving behind all that cloudy sugar, which he justified as indiffusible irreconcilable negative energy.

After clearing his mind, he would call his boss, and purposely whisper and mumble, “I will not be able to attend work today.”

For the last three weeks, Mr. Jaye would respond, “Take care of what’s ailing you, and get back to work,” even though he was actually thinking, “You insignificant flea, how dare you take advantage of me?” Today, Mr. Jaye would say, “Blaine, you need to get your ass to work and talk to H.R., this is totally unacceptable.”

Blaine smirked and continued his garbling hushed words, “You will need to consult my lawyer.”

Mr. Jaye blurted, “Lawyer?! You have a lawyer now? Who the fuck is your lawyer.” His face turned red and veins formed on his forehead.

“I prefer to keep that confidential.” Blaine hung up, satisfied, for this is the same response Mr. Jaye gave when asked why he wasn’t given a raise last quarter. His sense of pride was fleeting as he recognized that this was hardly inefficient.

He sat up, alert, as he heard his wife, Claire, wake up. Her heavy feet hit the ground, and as he had done for the last three weeks, he shut off the television, closed his eyes, and merely disappeared into nothingness.

Little would the world realize or care, Inefficient Man® was born.

Inefficient