“Millard Fillmore was so ugly, his parents had to tie a steak around his neck so the cannibals would talk to him.”

So many people don’t know this, and you know who you are, and you didn’t know this. There were many presidents of the United States, and so many are no longer alive. Not all of them are on our currency either. Contrary to belief, all presidents were not created equal. So much of this is unknown to a tremendous part of the population. Probably you. Especially you. Where are you? Come up here. Come on.

What about the presidents with not so great ratings? So many. So many. For example, there’s OBAMA. Oh, Obama was so bad. Real bad. Was he bad or what? All I do is fix all the stupid horrible mistakes he made while he was the first Black president. As far as I’m concerned, he is the China of presidents, making bad deals left and right, and cheating so bad. He was not only a cheater; he was a leaker, the worst leaker of all time. But this is about dead presidents, and as far as I know, he’s technically still alive, unlike his horrible legacy. History will show that he was the worst, next to Millard Fillmore.

You can probably look it up on WikiLeaks®, and they will confirm this. Before there were Republicans and Democrats, there were Whigs. Let me tell you, these guys, the Whigs, were bad actors, horrible. They make Rob Lowe look like Mr. Magoo®, who was a fine actor, possibly the best when it comes to bad actors. And so funny, maybe even the funniest.

Zachary Taylor was the 12th president. He was so weak that he died one year into his term. He was replaced by his acting Vice President, Millard Fillmore. I know, he sounds like a porn star or something. But he wasn’t, he was the opposite, a total snooze. He was the 13th president. He didn’t even want the job. Can you imagine the burden of being the unlucky number president? No one remembers him. No one cares.

It was so easy to be a president back in those days. All you had to do was show up on Election Day or wait for someone to die. It’s true. There was no pedigree test or nothing. They didn’t even have the popular vote back then, everything was based on electoral votes. The proof in the pudding is this, he was a one-termer, and not even a full term! A LOSER. Big time. Some even say he caused the Civil War with the Compromise of 1850. If we’ve learned anything, brief truces are nothing but a generic band-aid® that will fall off. Using lame delay tactics like this only makes the problem worse. It’s just a matter of time, when brother will fight brother, and hell will walk on earth like you’ve never seen before. Keep in mind; it was a simpler time. Being the president then, is nothing like today. Today it is so hard. We have North Korea. We have Net Neutrality. We have the fake news. And what the hell is going on in Chicago? They’re all going crazy there. So many shootings. If they don’t fix that soon, I will have to do something about it myself.

Pedigree