So You Wanna Be A Clown


Clowning around is serious business, and a reasonable way to hide extra weight. Ask Plummet The Clown aka Obesity Clownicus III.

More important than actually being funny, one needs a good clown name. When choosing a name, it is important to think two to five years ahead. Keep in mind, what’s funny today may not be so in the future. Without a funny name, you are the worst type of clown. We can go further and say you’re the worst type of human being. After all, who goes around dressing up all freaky deaky and has a clown name like Mansun or Trump Jr.? I rest my case.

There’s a secret in devising a good clown name. It should sound like an adjective for a drunk person succumbing to gravity. Tipsy, Fally, Face Plant, or Clumsy are just a few examples. If you’re lazy and are not familiar with a thesaurus, use your great aunt’s maiden name. Using this method, my clown name is Kanye.

To up your game, take selfies with third-rate celebrities and post them all over social media. Celebs like Dave Coulier, Bill Walton, Engelbert Humperdinck, “Downtown” Julie Brown, and that guy, you know, the one who was in that movie with Brendan Fraser will gladly take a picture with you. Seriously, what else are they doing? In fact, you are entitled to that snapshot.

How does this all work? It’s simple. Famous people add mystique and a level of credibility to everything. Fortunately for the clown, the garish makeup and outrageous wardrobe makes it appear that they are more important than the any lesser known star. If you can build up a photo portfolio with 500 of these withering celebrities, you make people wonder, who’s this clown with all these shitty talents? Why haven’t I heard about this clown? Imaging is always important, even if you’re a lowly-ass clown.

In case you are sane, and have no desire at all to be a clown, these tips are more than applicable to world leaders, especially current president of the U.S., Donald “Uh Oh” Trump. I don’t understand why the Trump just doesn’t commit completely to being a clown, he’s already got the hair and skin.

Just in case all of you all are wondering, my clown name is Scott Pruitt.

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