The unicorn was the three-dollar bill of the animal kingdom, followed closely by the exaggerating inchworm.

In the true spirit of Christmas, Mr. Derby exclaimed, “And a Merry Christmas to you!” accompanied with an extended middle finger. You would too if you were soaked to the bone by a car purposely driving close to curbs in order to splash unsuspecting pedestrians with slush. Depending on which side you’re on, it’s either hilarious or painfully tragic. In Mr. Derby’s case, it was the latter. In retrospect, it was the perfect ending to the worst day of his life.

If only he had known that within the week, on Christmas day to be exact, he was going to experience a far worse day making today seem trivial. Here’s a clue: it rhymes with breasticular schmancer. To make matters more disastrous, unbeknownst to him, his health benefits expired over the summer.

Nonetheless, Merry Christmas, Mr. Derby, and to all a good night.