It’s Like Rain On Your Wedding Day


When it rains it pours, and when it pours the old man snores, redefining sleep apnea for the 21st century.

Richard “Dick” Penisi was having the worst day of his life, and that’s saying something considering how terrible his existence has been since birth. If it wasn’t one affliction, it was colic, and then another affliction, followed by colic again. As he grew older, his health worsened as he barely survived cancer, leukemia, Lou Gehrig’s disease and hepatitis c.

At the age of 19, all his suffering had gained its defining moment, for he was now a Guinness World Records holder. Wesley Wanton Jr., the man with the 132-pound scrotum, was now dethroned by Dick’s much heavier 175-pounds of sac. He was cursed with macroorchidism, scrotal elephantiasis, or the street name, ginormous balls.

Dr. Anton Pokhis Smirnoff, brother of Russian comedian, Yakov, thought he was funny too, maybe even funnier. Unfortunately, he was Dick’s insensitive liaison to this rare illness. Instead of comforting the patient, he found his riff and repeated it as often as he could, “Wheelbarrow or wheelchair?”

When he is properly situated in the wheelchair, he prefers to cover his ‘junk’ with a blanket, which only made it seem like he was trying to hide a medium-sized panther on his lap. Once you realize the absurdity of that, you are overcome by the reality that this guy has huge testicles.

Imagine the embarrassing pain of simple tasks like sitting down only to crush your balls with your own weight, or using the bathroom to poo poo, only to have your large hairy giblets sag and hit the toilet water. Do you have any idea how cold that fucking water is?

Which takes us to now, Dick was caught in a torrential downpour and was three seconds away from winning the lottery while being struck by lightning twice.

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