Hammer Time!

Tool Story

An early cameo from the king of cameos: Hamburger Helper!

Ham the claw hammer, not to be confused with Ham the piggy bank, an altogether different character from another story franchise, bolted upright from slumber to the dismay of the recently purchased Nurse Ratchet Wrench. [Further proof that tool puns are ineffective.] Since the disappearance of Phillip K. Screwdriver, Ham was unable to sleep well. This was over a month ago.


To fully understand Ham’s plight, one must go back six months ago, the day Andy got his first 39-piece general starter tool kit in a sturdy compact storage case. It was a milestone event, a sign that Andy had come of age. Sadly, a man is only as good as his tools, and to be blunt, these tools sucked ass.

It was quite a deal, $16.97, except that the utility knife, the first to fall in the line of duty, snapped in half upon use. Something about cheap plastic, labor and Taiwan were the grumbled excuses. And there was the tape measure that was glued shut rendering it broken. Equally inexcusable, the bit driver with a two inch bit extension with 20 most popular bit sizes, which was merely another way of saying worthless in America, the only non-metric country. The same applied to the 8 hex keys. By the way, this left only nine “tools”.

The pair of scissors shattered from Andy looking at it incorrectly. It was tragic when Gomer Ply, the lovable hillbilly pair of slip joint pliers was left behind on a mysterious daring plumbing expedition. It gave hopeless meaning to the expression, no tool left behind, for the tool owner was a genuine space case, incapable of rescuing anything. Finally, there was the sturdy case, which snapped in half after being flung across the basement in a fit of rage.

One by one, 4 of the five precision screwdrivers for small screws died like victims in a slasher flick, grotesquely and unceremoniously. They never had a chance of survival, except for Phillip.

It was hard to believe that they represented 2/39th of a crappy tool kit. For the first time, Ham acknowledged that he was now the sole survivor.

Footsteps neared the tool storage closet. The tools returned to their unanimated selves. Andy set down a brand new yellow and black power drill. It had been used recently. It was still warm. Ham felt his head unloosen.

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