To make sure we’re all on the same page, this hard hat is not a fashion statement. It saves lives and unnecessary head injuries.

Renaldo Tucci was as happy as anyone could be after learning from his doctor, Dr. Ut, that if he takes one more severe blow to the head, immediate death is certain. To be forthcoming, this would not bode well, for Renaldo is best described as headstrong and secondly, stupid.

Perhaps it was the many times he had been concussed in his twenty-seven years of life. It is rumored that his father dropped him headfirst at birth. Although unproven, it best explained his block shaped head. Furthermore, the years of working construction without a hard hat took a serious toll on him.

You see, Renaldo was one of those guys who relied on his looks to get by. In so many ways, this was absurd. Renaldo was at best, homely; from his crooked uni-brow to his eyes that looked like two mouths to his pug nose to his mouth that looked like an eye. Not that it matters, but it’s worth pointing out, he was an ugly idiot.

He needed to change in order to insure that he would live to a fruitful age. Somehow, he had to deactivate his natural instincts, or redefine it. What if the crux of instinct revolved around protecting himself from future head wounds? He was satisfied with this half solution as he headed to the el station.

Call it instinct, I call it survival Spidey-sense, he lunged to his right as a can of paint splattered to the ground right in front of him. It had fallen from four stories above. Wobbly scaffolding and two inebriated city workers always equals fatal obstacles for pedestrians below.

Renaldo smiled, although it looked like a wink, and exhaled a tremendous sigh of relief. Had he instead took this time to step out of the way, he would have avoided being hit from behind by a speeding bus. Three excruciating in and out of a coma months later, Renaldo Tucci ended up in purgatory, in where he was the eternal third poker player waiting for the fourth and fifth player to arrive. When they finally do, poker player one and two leave. This repeats ad infinitum like a short-term memory person shampooing while following the instructions on the bottle.