Don’t Do The Time If You Can’t Do The Crime


From 1912 to 1917, Keystone Kops were the funniest act in Hollywood. 100 years later, not so much.

Benny Gondola was mortified after he opened the door on a Saturday morning. Expecting Jehovah’s Witnesses, and armed to pepper spray them if necessary, he was instead confronted by the dreaded Time Police. In unison, the two Time Policemen said, “You’re under arrest.”

Benny could not speak. He was beyond flabbergasted, yet he uttered, “For what? I haven’t done anything wrong.”

Officer Moe swiped the pepper spray from Benny and removed his mirrored aviator glasses to reveal a pair of severe crossed eyes. “You’re under arrest for the crimes you are about to commit.”

Benny wasn’t sure which eye to look at, so he focused on the cop’s nose, which made things worse. For some inexplicable reason, Moe’s nose looked like a baby’s foot.

He was losing his mind. Should he laugh? Should he cry? Should he beg for mercy? Should he run? Should he try to explain his way out of this? He made his choice by responding, “This ain’t right! I’m innocent.” He scrammed straight into the other time cop, who had been working out lately, so on impact, Benny couldn’t do nothing but crumble to his knees with a mild concussion. And let me tell you, he was bawling like a baby until the time pigs tasered him good-like.

“Typical.” Moe put his glasses back on.

The other cop, the nameless one, put away his taser. “Yup, textbook six-eight eighty eight.” He paused for many seconds. He had an internal impulse that it would be more dramatic to draw out the pregnant pause for as long as possible. “Resisting arrest.”

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