The American badger can not only rip a human’s head off, it is responsible for 80% of robo-calls.

Aaron Watershow was about to get married for the eighth time. He was only 27 years old. In a nutshell, he had serious commitment issues. To shed further light on his shortcomings, it must be revealed that he was raised by loving badgers, after being abandoned in the wild northwest by loopy hippy parents.

The only thing you really need to know about badgers is they are feral; everything else is merely superficial. This best explains Aaron’s nasty disposition and consistent diet of large insects and encased meats. Which all leads to the persistent question: who would marry such behavior?

The answer is simple. It is his long-time friend, Adam Untberger. He, who was born with a fist for a head, and two heads where his hands should be, was the perfect match. Take this as a warning, never eat brunch with that couple.