Get woke here first! Penguin porn is making a big comeback in 2020.

If the penguins at the zoo seemed to be acting suspicious this morning, it was because they were. They were planning either a heist or a revolution leading to a coup, whichever occurred first. At the risk of sounding like a close-minded penguinist, it should be cited that all penguins are lazy. Happenstance dictates their behavior. Furthermore, they all look the same, smell like rotting fish and sponge off unemployment like nobody’s business.

Earlier, the leader of the waddle, appropriately an emperor penguin, the largest of the species, gave a speech for over an hour. It rambled on and on with hateful rhetoric ripping apart the angry liberal left and the need for stronger border walls. Perhaps most memorable was, “Chik chik grrr,” literally translated, ‘lock her up’. The phrase was repeated many times.

It was ultimately agreed that when the sun was at its highest point, all the penguins would keel over, one at a time, feigning pancreatitis. The reasoning behind this was hazy, but probably because pancreatitis is the only shared word between the human and penguin language.

If all prevailed, this would force the zookeepers to go into a soft lockdown, at which point, the elite team would unleash the large mammals. Depending on convenience and proximity, they would either steal all the lithographs from the souvenir shop, and of course, the cash register, or savagely peck the eyes out of each human they approached.

Fortunately for humankind, it was an overcast day, and penguins possess ridiculously short attention spans. It would take years to reorganize on this grand scale again.