SPOILER ALERT: After the following story ends, the world blows up, ending civilization as we know it.
He was so convincingly aghast, he shivered uncontrollably, like someone with Parkinson’s disease in the freezing cold being jolted by many currents of electricity. It did not look natural. He was trying to comprehend the depth of depravity he had just heard. What kind of sick mind could construct such pure evil under the guise of a joke? Who was crueler, the teller of the joke, or the two guys laughing with great difficulty?
It was too much to process at once. He had to take a step back.
It all began a week ago. He landed on Earth from the planet Kresge to observe human behavior. His mission was simple: judge mankind and decide whether they should be exterminated or preserved.
Although his name bears little relevance, it was Disingenuous Jones.
The target of study was specifically America, for it was the easiest country to infiltrate. The combination of an overly trusting nature and stupidity made it a snap. In order to blend in, he transformed his green doughy tentacled eighteen-eyed self to an acceptable human form. He needed to look average, but not so average that he looked like he was trying too hard. He did not want to be confused for a Russian spy. He morphed himself to look like a chubby Tom Hanks with a perm.
In his brief time in America, he had learned many paradoxes, such complexities like heroin abuse, transgender identification and Lite® beer. Americans are much more stupid than his research indicated. They rely on devices that freely spread misinformation, to the point where researching on the internet was a complete crap shoot. This was most disturbing: every four years, Americans vote for the ugliest person to become their leader. Despite these shortcomings, he decided Earth was worth preserving.
That was until he heard a dead baby joke. He convulsed rapidly, until he blurred, turning half invisible before his head exploded.