I’m going to just come out and admit it, honest Injun style. [Yes, I am aware of my racism, no one is honest.] I’m going through a “rough patch” right now. On the surface, I must have appeared to be some ranting racist with an agenda against the funk. I’m still feeling gigantic guilt for venting anger towards the Lord, James Brown.

James Brown is always forgiving you, it’s what he does.

I’ve apologized once, and it’s just not enough. I am a basset hound with my chin just above the gutter of shame and karma. I recognize my shortcomings. I will never fully atone for my verbal assault on James Brown. Indulge me as I strive to make reparations to the king of kings.

Regardless of the “stories” you may have heard about James Brown, i.e. the PCP-fueled-two-state car chase in 1988, he is the greatest man who has ever lived. It is no wonder that he was nicknamed Minister of Super Heavy Funk. He is so great that he could’ve killed angels, puppies, and sunshine, yet still be the greatest man with room to spare. He is the magnanimous one.

If I ain’t truthefying, I’m lying. No one is ever going to take down a statue of this non-slave-owning hero. He is so cool. If you dis (slang for disrespect) him, he is so thankful that he is in your thoughts that he blesses you harder. Deep in my heart, I believe that James Brown, please bless God’s soul, was still alive, he would find me and force salvation on me with a selfie. I imagine us fake wrestling, which would escalate to real wrestling, which would lead to us practicing safe sex, while he proved why he is the hardest working man in show business without being an asshole about it. Thank you, Godfather of Soul, for providing this sinner such a vision of nirvana.

This apology/paean has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done. It’s not as difficult as denouncing white supremacy and Nazism, which I was forced to do this week. As a Korean, it’s not that simple. It’s what the kids call “complicated”. After this heated conflict between the right and left deflates, I will make an assessment that I can base a lifestyle around.

I think it’s safe to say: every single song by James Brown has been sampled. He is that influential to the landscape of current music. I would like to up the ante further. If there was no James Brown, it would be a Pat Boone world of pure white; like albino fleas on freshly bathed llamas in a snowstorm on a green screen of popcorn white. Just saying.

James Brown blessed us with four decades of unselfish artistry. He gave and gave, and when he nothing left to give, he gave some more. That’s how altruistic bastards and blessed motherfuckers roll.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame should change their name to The James Brown Hall of Fame, and then eject all things not James Brown, just toss them into the streets for the garbage they are. In short, goodbye, James Taylor. Goodbye, Clive Davis. Goodbye, Journey.

We are thankful for the bounty you have given us, Soul Brother No. 1. Let us pray.

Our Godfather of soul, who art in heaven…

James Brown Cow

/jāmz/ /broun/ /kou/

noun

taking something that is the best and making it bester

synonyms: Indian summer, deep fried candy bars, afterlife marijuana

“He turned out to be a major league James Brown Cow, not only was he appropriately penis-sized, he was sensitive to my needs in bed, and he was wealthy without having issues with his parents.”

Art by Jenn Cosgrove

“Hell made the James Brown Cow deal of an eternal lifetime, when Satan claimed anal rape was now optional and of course, the free wi-fi and the HBO.”

#JamesBrownBegatEverything