As many of you are aware, my idea of relevance is releasing an explosive fart just before the grunt at the end of Santana’s “Oye Como Va”; and that song is 48 years old, and only God knows when the fart originated. Whatever. It’s always funny to me. When it comes to being topical, I am a mere rube. But, with all this current news™ swirling all around me, I reach out and try to connect, but come up empty handed. It could be because there are just too many news points. Gun control, or guntrol as the lazy pundits call it, the Russian probe, DACA, Florida, always Florida, the me too movement, Nazis, domestic abuse, tax reform, the clone of Reverend Al Sharpton, This Is Us®, The Winter Olympics, and that doesn’t even include natural disasters like North Korea.
Instead of actually trying to be current, I offer this vision from the not so distant future. If any of this actually happens, I will legally change my name to Nostradamus II and buy a lotto ticket.
The current president of the United States, Donald Trump, stands behind the presidential podium. He is speechifying, and like he always does, he withholds the truth, in essence, lying to the public. His teleprompter goes blank. He stammers a parade of uhms and hominas. Realizing the jig is up, he darts off, running away, the only way an out-of-shape flabby privileged white geriatric can. He is tackled by the secret service. Trump’s response is classic, something like oomph, or ouch, followed by gravity and force doing what they do so well. Impact, forcing that hairpiece or piece of hair to fly off his head, exposing his male pattern baldness.
The wig scoots away. At first, it appears that the wind may have been responsible, but it becomes apparent, the bush has tiny legs. It disappears. In the distance there is sinister laughter. It obviously belongs to the sandy, burnt yellow toupee. No facts to back this occurrence, but deep down, you can’t deny it.
Months later, YouTube® celebrity™, Logan Paul announces he will make a run for the presidency in 2020. If you pay close attention, the toupee is now attached to Paul’s usually bald chest.
In case, any of this is accurate, you’re welcome.