2010 was a weird year for me. I had just adopted a kitten and he looked a lot like a certain führer. I was warned over and over again by all my friends, but in a classic typical me move, my cartoonish pride made me deaf to all those fucking idiots, and I went ahead and named my cat Adolf Hitler, Hitler for short. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have.
It turns out my cat lived up to the name. In no time, he would stand on his hind legs, goose step around the apartment with one paw extended in the air. He scratched swastikas in the kitty litter. He became a frustrated less than adequate painter. In short, he wanted a world where everyone looked like him.
To put things into some sort of perspective, that song sung to the tune “Whistle While You Work” from Walt Disney’s Snow White: “Whistle while you work, Hitler is a jerk. Mussolini tugged his wienie now it doesn’t work.” It’s true. My kitten turned out to be a grade-A mother of a jerk. I never thought I’d ever say these words: I was thankful there was no Mussolini to yank his crank.
A friend of mine suggested I invent a time machine, go back to 1914, and rename the cat, Charlie Chaplin. I slapped him in the nads and told him to shut the fuck up. I never saw him again. True story, that guy turned out to be successful Bollywood actor, Vidyut Jamwal.
Meanwhile, Hitler was learning how to use the oven. Rats were disappearing from the alleys. My entire world spiraled into chaos.
It should come as no surprise, television came to the rescue and fixed everything. Thank you very much Hanes® underwear commercial. I legally changed my cat’s name to Air Jordan™. It turns out there’s a very fine line between being a Gestapo and a competitive champion. For good measure, I super cat-proofed the oven.