“Meowma. You’re next.”

“A cat has nine lives. For three he plays, for three he strays, and for the last three he stays.” Ancient proverb

That’s right. I’m a cat. Got a problem with that? Tough Purina Party Mix Crunch Friskies®. To set things straight, cats do have nine lives. I am currently on my ninth, and there’s nothing you can do about it. In my next reincarnation, I will be a human. I will finally be able to use your damn Bic® lighters.

We interrupt this story for a brief survey.

Back in 2011, The Year of The Cat, and not that insipid Al Stewart tune, I heard my true calling. I remember the moment well. I was on the branch of the sofa. Give me a break! I’m an indoor cat. I was just about to pounce on the dancing shadows caused by the wind-blown trees. A voice called unto me, stopping me mid-attack. “Caterine The Great”. (Yeah, I know, my owner is a complete stereotype of a human being, a blithering idiot.)

I responded, “That’s my name, don’t wear it out.” Truth be told, I don’t know what that means, but I’m fairly sure that it’s bad ass, like saying, I don’t give a fuck who you are, fuck you.

I waited for three seconds. My ear itched. I scratched it. A good scratch makes up for an inconvenient itch. Quote me. “You are destined to be the greatest leader in your next life. You will usher in a glorious age of reason.”

I twitched, and scratched again. The voice continued. “You will return a human, and you will be woke in 2023, the next Year of the Cat, not that stupid Al Stewart song. With this divine awakening, you will step forward and lead mankind out of its mental slavery.”

I nodded, “I’ve seen this TV show before. It was all about a guy named Jesus Christ. In the end, he gets completely crucified on a cross.”

“I promise you, nothing like that will happen.”

I smelled the saddest lie ever. It made me sick enough to crave Hill’s Science Diet Adult Light Dry Cat Food®. We all know how shitty that pulp is.

So, I got that going for me. I will be reborn as a human Messiah. But before then, I will be a zealot arsonist. Fear my fire. Pardon me whilst I remind my owner that I’m hungry.

Branch