Lo And Behold, A New Hero Cometh

aquaman funeral

“This is what it sounds like, when Silver Age Aquaman dies.”

After the strategic assassination of The Silver Age Aquaman®, it was just a matter of time before the United Villain Front™, led by current president of the United States, Donald Trump, systematically picked off The Superhero Society Force™. 80% of The Force™ were downed in one fell swoop at the funeral. It was sneaky how the bad guys planted a neutralizing dirty bomb on the corpse. Now, most of the heroes were either dead, maimed, incarcerated, crippled, or worse. It mattered naught, for the bottom line was, they were worthless against this powerful organized UVF™. The remaining heroes tried to invent a battle cry based around their 20% status to no avail.

Captain Tactical® had to turn the tide and boost morale. After failed attempts of hand shadows and mediocre ventriloquism, it was apparent that action was more necessary than entertainment. The Captain® needed to call in their greatest secret weapon. The active heroes murmured in the same way a nation does when they unleash a nuclear warhead or two. The Bugler® was called in to sound the emergency alarms. He did so by getting on his cellular phone and calling The Gossiper®. From there, it was mere minutes before the door to the headquarters burst open.

It was The Dabbler®. He hovered in, inches off the ground. The Whisperer® whispered, “I thought he died during the Revolutionary Evolutionary War™.” The Dabbler®, who kinda sorta had enhanced hearing, kinda sorta heard her. The Shusher® issued a harsh shh, while The Peeping Tom® watched from afar. The Nodder® did his thing, as he concurred with everything around him.

The Dabbler® AKA The Jack Of All Trades, Master Of Nothing®, preferred his code name, Greatest Secret Weapon™. His costume was apt for his title, The Dabbler®. It was composed of a little bit of this and a little bit of that. He took a deep breath knowing what must be done. He saluted the remaining heroes before stepping into the cannon, conveniently labelled “Cannon”. Tears ran down his face, and blurred his vision.

Suddenly, the cannon was launched, and The Dabbler® flew into the sky. Following superhero posture protocol, he led with his fists. When the villains caught a glimpse of his heroic stature coming towards them, they collectively wet themselves. The bad guys had heard the legendary tales about the might of The Dabbler®. The sheer force of the man behind the hero, who was capable of not being engaged with one specific thing was frightening. How could a hero be so unfocused, yet so powerful? The heroes were about to win again.


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