Why I’d Rather Work At McDonald’s® Over The White House™


One of these places serves you rattlesnakes, the other houses them.

I have said it once. I have said it over a hundred times, up to a thousand times. I will never work at McDonald’s®, a fast food chain corporation that thrives on the convenience factor of lazy hungry Americans by providing non-nutritional food they brazenly call a Quarter Pounder With Cheese® or Filet-O-Fish® (Is this some sort of implication that said sandwich might be of Irish descent?) I can’t imagine a worse place for employment.

To prove that I’m a somewhat pliable man, I can admit that I’m wrong. Let me tell you, admitting my shortcoming makes me blush from my head to my toes. My whole belief system changed the moment I observed the comings and goings of staff at the White House™. What a toxic environment. Which leads me to why I’d rather work for Mickey “D”.

  • McDonald’s® has a better vetting process.
  • I’m pretty sure McDonald’s® will not fire me days before my retirement, cheating me out of a pension, for doing a competent job. Which is to say, I would completely understand if they fired me for not salting their beloved French fries.
  • Employees have to wash their hands before returning to work.
  • This is more of a can’t than a rather. I’m not “White”, and I’m not Ben Carson.
  • McDonald’s® requires that you upsell; e.g., Would you like fries with your order? How about an apple pie? As opposed to denying acts of treason, corruption and money laundering; e.g., There is no collusion. I do not recall.
  • McDonald’s® will not tolerate sexual harassment in the workplace.
  • I cannot and will not ever work in a place that has hired an Omarosa®.
  • McDonald’s® will not discriminate based on color, religion, sexual preference or handicap.
  • Getting fired from McDonald’s® will not destroy your reputation or career. You can always get a gig at Pizza Hut®.
  • I can live with myself if Big Mac’s® give people heart attacks. I cannot live with current president of the United States, Donald Trump, changing the definition of America to an all-white middle-class Norwegian/Russian state.
  • McDonald’s® understands what respect means.
  • By providing a Happy Meal™, I can make children marginally happy, as opposed to endangering their future with lax gun laws and taking away their environment.
  • The boss is not a petty, purposeless, narcissistic, stealing, cheating, raving, whining, childish, lying, racist, so-scared-of-Putin, trust-funded, absurd, corrupt, hypocritical, tactless, abortion-surviving, out of touch, unhealthy, “daughter-loving”, petulant, cowardly, never-shutting-the-fuck-up, irrelevant, sore-losing and sore-winning, daddy-issued, incompetent, chauvinistic, hateful, greedy, self-centered, litigating, stupid, bragging, weave-wearing-comb-over-the-back asshole.


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