You’re Next, Facebook®


Shame on you Facebook® for fooling me once, twice, and thrice; and shame on me for loving that chicken from Popeye’s®.

It’s a fact; in fact, it is true. All of our Facebook® data is out there and it can’t be taken back. This, because of some stupid quiz one of your thoughtless friends took. I hope they’re satisfied knowing which Smurf they are most like. In case you’re wondering, I manipulated my answers, thus I’m Papa Smurf, the only sane one of the bunch of blue idiots. Sure, you can mope about it, and while you’re at it, why don’t you just cry yourself to death?

As some of you know, I am not capable of tears, so instead, I have a solution. Data is worthless when it is wrong. Here are some easy ways to corrupt all the information that Cambridge Analytica® owns.

  • Change your status. Change your birthdate. Change your education. Instead of being single, be a double. Photo shop yourself and become triplets. Why stop there? Quadruplets.
  • Go somewhere you’ve never been before and check in.
  • Post pictures of other families. If possible, use families from the other side of the world.
  • Like something when you hate it, and vice-versa. Do this at least once a day.
  • If you rarely use Facebook®, use it more, conversely, if you live on Facebook®, just like you did from your parents’ basement, move out.
  • Instead of listening to strictly trios, broaden your musical spectrum. How about a nice quartet? Or how about one of those fancy solo arias the kids are talking up? I hear octets are in season this time of year. Now post it on Facebook®.

Don’t get locked in with who you were before. That person was stupid. This is that door of opportunity opening. It’s time to grow up. There’s a word for the previous you, and it’s a thing. Complacent. And you know what they say about that? Something about stagnant, obese and ripe in the malodorous way. Consider this moment as the much needed plastic surgery for your lifestyle.

Let’s take a page out of the Trump playbook™. By the way, Trump is the current president of the United States. Put out as many lies and alternate truths and facts, see what sticks, repeat daily. As they say in Siberia, you can never take an excellent picture of a tornado.


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