You’re Next, Facebook®


Shame on you Facebook® for fooling me once, twice, and thrice; and shame on me for loving that chicken from Popeye’s®.

It’s a fact; in fact, it is true. All of our Facebook® data is out there and it can’t be taken back. This, because of some stupid quiz one of your thoughtless friends took. I hope they’re satisfied knowing which Smurf they are most like. In case you’re wondering, I manipulated my answers, thus I’m Papa Smurf, the only sane one of the bunch of blue idiots. Sure, you can mope about it, and while you’re at it, why don’t you just cry yourself to death?

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What I learned from social media the day after Presidents’ Day

Social Media

Social media, like alcohol and raw sewage, will destroy your life if you let it.

It’s Presidents’ Day and not President’s Day. Teens still don’t want to get killed by guns! Especially of the automatic weapons kind. It’s not like there was a time when they did! There’s a Kentucky Fried Chicken® shortage in England™. A lot of parents do not like the eccentric Public Television Cartoon Caillou. I get it, there seems to be an absent back-story to Caillou’s mental illness or disability, which makes the show seem dangerously dishonest or overly coy. If he was a real boy, I am certain we’d be calling the authorities for his suspicious behavior. Speaking of, current president of the United States, Donald Trump, is smart enough to not force himself on a woman in front of security cameras. That’s like a bank robber saying, he does not rob banks in front of security cameras. In essence, there’s an admission to being a criminal. What a maroon. Bite-sized quiche is not difficult to make. In fact, I could make it. Patton Oswalt is on a book tour for a book he did not write. David Bowie was one skinny motherfucker in the day. Proof that our society is finally getting it: people who fart on planes are finally being treated like terrorists.

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