An Untold Tale Of A Dead President


“Too busy emancipating instead of legislating.”

Many people don’t know this. Some do. Many don’t. The sixteenth president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, did a lot of different things before he was assassinated to death. So many different things. Some good, some bad. Frankly, more bad than good if you ask me. One would think, how is that even possible in such an abbreviated lifespan? How? Before we carry him on our backs and call him a hero, keep in mind, child labor was rampant under his leadership.

Did you know that he did not always have a beard like the one he has on the five dollar bill or the worthless one cent penny? Of course, there was his beardless childhood. So many children are incapable of growing facial hair, and it has a lot to do with the lack of puberty.

The fake news will tell you that my dear friend, Abraham, grew his beard because of a suggestion from a little girl via good old snail mail. Remember that? Paper, ink, envelope, and not the new-fangled self-adhesive kind. No, the kind you had to lick to seal. And after you put your tongue on it, everything tasted horrible for hours on end. I mean, the worst kind of horrible just short of actual vomit. Later, I would use one of those things that you wipe a counter with. You know, a sponge. Do they even make those anymore? Believe me, those were primitive times. Before they had cars. Can you imagine living like that?

The letter went something like this: Dear Mr. President, I believe that you could achieve greater relevance and credibility if you grew a beard to hide that atrocious mole on your face. At times, if you look at that weird bump the right way, it appears to be moving like an impatient insect. Keep in mind that I’m paraphrasing. People did not speak as eloquently back in the 19th century.

Which leads me to another thing that so many people don’t know, if not for that little girl, one of the greatest unsung heroes of American history, Lincoln would have been a laughing stock amongst the world leaders. I can assure you this, he was no Frederick Douglass, an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more. Unlike that overrated Moleman Lincoln.

I think some people, but definitely not all people had televisions back then. The beard not only added ten pounds of power to his stature on film, it elevated his words. Some might say he was the greatest president because he pulled America out of a horrible time historians have dubbed the Civil War, where brothers fought against each other. Even cousins were fighting instead of kissing. Believe me.

This was the real deal, not some fabricated war with Captain America fighting Iron Man. Although, in the movie’s defense, it was riveting, a real popcorn flick, in that I ate six extra large buckets.

America wasn’t so great back then. Not so great. It was an honest to goodness hole of hell filled with the worst immigrants and bad actors from all over the world. One of the actors you might be familiar with, John Wilkes Booth. He was an Anarchist too. If they had a wall back then, you can believe me when I say all those people from Anarchia could not come to my great country.

It was not an America worth making great again. Between you and me, it may have been a simpler time. There was no gray area when it came to slavery. It was a black and white world, literally. Slaves and owners. Can you imagine professional sports today if there was no abolishment? More bone crunching gory death, no kneeling. More money for owners, no contractual disputes. Think about it. All athletes would be slaves. This is an America I am comfortable with.

In summation, if there was no letter from that girl, we could still be fighting each other over slavery today, and it would be up to me to fix it. I’d have to turn the tide and unite or divide in order to repair a broken country. America. Truth be told, I could have stopped the Civil War sooner than that historically unproven leader, Lincoln.


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