It is peculiar how NBC®, the network, and not the organization No Blank Checks, a subsidiary of the FDIC®, the banking institution, and not the Fucking Dicks In Charge has been polluting the airwaves with ads pointing out the human side of their current anchorman, Lester Holt. It is as if they doth protest too much, as if covering up the fact that he is not human.
As some of you may remember, especially if you’re a resident of Chicago, in 1986, Holt was the anchorman for the Chicago outlet of CBS®, the network and not the China Bull Shop, replacing Bill Kurtis. In 2000, Holt made an upward career move to MSNBC®, the network, and not the Multiple Sclerosis Not Back Cramps group.
It took the tragic events of 9/11, the date, not the telephone number, for Holt’s career to catapult into the national consciousness.
The following cannot be confirmed, but logic dictates that there can be no other truth. When the twin towers came tumbling down like taller walls of Jericho, Holt was accidentally shot to death by a twitchy gun owner who was startled by the boom.
This could not have happened at a more inopportune moment. Holt was a ratings hit. America was watching. The suits at NBC® had to act fast. As we all know, ratings are the most important factor of advertising revenue. There was absolutely no way that the premature death of a journalist was going to stop success.
It was unanimously decided that Holt had to be replaced. At first, they were sniffing around the idea of replacing him with a female correspondent. But this brought the dreaded uncertainty of whether she could match Holt’s successful numbers. They could not risk losing momentum. Someone suggested that he be rebuilt. Thus was born, Holt 2.0.
NPR®, the National Production of Robots, and not the failing National Public Radio, will not confirm whether this is valid, but from what we have seen, one cannot doubt the obvious inhumanity. The next time you see Lester Holt, take note of his robotic verbal cadence. When he moves quickly, which is rarely, you can hear mechanical whirring. He does not blink. It is said, if you look at him directly in the eyes, you can see the glowing red of his cybernetic eyes.
2015 was another landmark year for robot Holt. Brian Williams, the human anchorman, not the basketball player, got caught behaving like the current president of the United States, Donald Trump. He got busted for lying like a liar liar, pants on fire. NBC® made the bold decision to replace the defective human with Holt 2.0, the unemotional programmable android. NBC® would proudly flaunt that they were the television home of the first national black anchorman, without divulging that he was also the first robot.
In our current climate, America wants the foibles of an inconsistent human, and not the glossy perfection of a robot. Look at popular news host, sneering Rachel Maddow. She currently has the most popular cable news show. There is no one more human than her.
According to anonymous sources, NBC®, the network, not the beloved boy group of the late ‘90s, Nigeria, Bolivia & Congo, uploaded a human behavior program into Holt 2.0. It immediately responded to the file as if it were a virus. He rejected it by shutting down, bending forward and vomiting bolts and t-nuts. According to an unreliable source, Holt 4.0 will ultimately destroy the world.