Sneeze Like Nobody’s Watching


Some cultures are insulted when you cover your mouth when you sneeze. They question your apparent selfishness. 

Jimmy sneezed hard. It was sloppy and all over the place. Little did he realize, his life had forever changed. The sudden outburst transported him to another world in another time. Disbelief overwhelmed him. He found peculiar comfort in repeating the word, homina. For the first time, he understood the comedic nuance of Ralph Kramden. As far as his eyes could see, towers made of red crystal. So much red.

He was in utter awe. He sensed a greatness he had never before witnessed. He wept uncontrollably. He snorted hard and sucked in a bit of pollen through his nose. He sneezed again.

This time he found himself in the middle of a cloudy chessboard. In the farthest corner stood Lady Death, holding a scythe. Jimmy tried to scream and got nothing but little coughs. He remembered something about looking into the light to coerce a sneeze. He located a light source and looked directly into it. He sneezed and released some crazy phlegm.

Jimmy had returned to his starting point. He looked like hell. He felt like hell. Imagine the worst jet lag you’ve ever experienced, now compound that with the sensation of your gut on fire. All this had to be some sort of sign from a greater power. He was now reborn a rebel. Fuck Lyrica®, he was going to live with the pain of fibromyalgia. He would not be a puppet to the pharmaceutical company. Long live the freedom of choice. Odds were very high that he was going to sneeze again.


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