I can not see the joy. I can not hear the glory. I can not feel the excitement. I just smell a lot of stank camels.

It was official, even decreed. It was Double Negative Appreciation Day™. If the parade was any indication, it was the biggest non-religious holiday ever, of all time. It was May and the town known best as Schaumburg had serious cabin fever. Winter had been excruciatingly long and bitter.

Sarah Chamberlain had an epiphany three years ago on April 12th, moments before she was struck dead by lightning. By the way, if you can see lightning, you can be struck by lightning, use caution in thunderstorms. Thanks to the technology of the Iphone™, her last words were recorded. “Note to self. Note to self. It may be high time to acknowledge the existence of the double negative. This would be my way of honoring my late father’s favorite words, “I did not not fart.”

Her words were immediately cut short, followed by an ear-piercing screech and then an extended fifteen to twenty second, “Owwww.” It was later discovered the ‘ow’ was emitted from a nearby woman actively empathizing as electricity coursed through Sarah’s body.

Upon discovery of the recording, the Mayor thought it best to act on her last wishes. May 24, 2018 marked a new beginning of double negative awareness. Everything was going grand, until an hour later, in the Schaumburg circuit court. Judge Cranstein declared, “I find the defendant not not guilty.” Every pair of eyes in the courtroom ping-ponged back and forth from person to person, except for one-eyed Lefty. No one was sure what the verdict was. The defendant took advantage of the mass confusion and attempted to flee. If not for the oafish bailiff, who merely stood in front of the exit, arms crossed and ugly enough to stop a rabid hog, he may have gotten away.

Guilty