In a galaxy far far away, in a future rapidly approaching, yet before the time Han Solo becomes an honest to goodness bounty hunter, there was Baby Solo. SPOILER ALERT: The following story transpires two decades before the latest installment of the 2018 Disney® Star Wars® franchise, Solo™.

According to the GSC (Galactic Standard Calendar), it is approximately the year 29 BBY. Here, on the humble planet of Corellia, a bedroom smells like a baby, an eerie blended scent of soap, dung, and saliva. Baby Han Solo is fast asleep in an archaic and hip Graco® X-500 Playard™. His eyes scrunch, and it appears that the one-month old is having a bad dream. In fact, babies and their very undeveloped minds are incapable of dreaming. Bluntly, they are too stupid. What awakens Han is the warm trickle of urine filling his Hyper-Diaper™, specifically designed for the needs of a three month or younger hipster infant.

Han opens his eyes and blinks. His tiny mouth gapes to yawn, and in the dim light, his red wrinkled face looks like the famed, yet respected fallen elder, Don Rickles. He shakes his adorable little pink fists, and for good measure, he spasms, kicking his feet. If not for the light blue onesie® or baby jumpsuit™, you would be able to see his queer-shaped toes, akin to the talons of the long extinct heron.

Han burps, and spits up a baby-mouthful of oatmeal or pureed potato or curdled breast milk. He is on the verge of crying. Instead, he looks out the window. The stars twinkle and he slumbers again.

Long story short, he wakes up a few more times, repeating this process. He grows up and becomes a rebellious person.

Archaic