What’s Up With Mitch McConnell?

jimmy olsen turtle

A comic book story based on Mitch McConnell’s years as a reckless teenager. Notice that Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen is actually an anagram of Mitch McConnell.

With the pending approval of Judge Brett Kavanaugh into the Supreme Court, the pundits have been bandying about how this could boost the Mitch McConnell legacy. Let’s face it, he needs this, otherwise, he goes down in the history books as the guy who was neither man nor turtle. But, if the Kav goes through, McConnell will be known as the Senator Majority Leader who seated two overly conservative judges. One who loves beer and another known only by the name of Gorsuch.


Senator Mitch McConnell was born shortly after the Civil War near the Alabama River. Moments after he was hatched, he was almost devoured by his mother, which best explains his current misogynist tendencies. It is still unknown why he is a racist. Perhaps he’s just an arrogant privileged asshole. Sometimes it’s really that simple.

At the shedding age of two, McConnell was struck with polio. At this point, I would like to interject with a personal viewpoint never said before by anyone: Damn you polio for being so weak and ineffective!

To be clear, yes, I am implying that Mitch McConnell is a reptile. Unlike amphibians, Mitch McConnell does not have an aquatic larval stage. In fact, he is oviparous. Also, he is everything that is wrong with 2018 America controlled by old white men controlled by corporations and churches manipulated by the Russians and Chinese.

His inability to fully retract his ugly scaly bespectacled head makes you wonder how he’s stayed alive for so long. It also leads to does he have a tail? Are those really glasses or a complicated cyst? He has to be a turtle, how could he not be?

McConnell is as scrupulous as a broken convertible. Worthless. Laughable. And this is why he has been the Senator Majority Leader for the last three years. He is the designated Lex Luthor® to the Legion of Doom® to the Senate, for he has absolutely no compunction about whipping anyone’s mother, even his own, in public to prove a point. This is bully behavior. If I didn’t know any better, he derives pleasure from the shame of others. This is all I think about when he smirks. He dreams the dream of a despicable tyrant with his eyes wide open.

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