I am Uatu. I am the Watcher. As my name implies, I watch. Since time out of mind, I have observed the rise and fall of civilizations of worlds—of galaxies. I know all that is – most that has been and much of what will be. Yet, I watch, never interfering. To do so would be to step on the Interferer’s duties, and as any civil person knows, never mess with another’s duty. Another word of advice, never look at Uranus too long.

I have also many windows into the strange parallel worlds of what might have been. For, none save a watcher, me, can truly know what could have happened. But for the invisible workings of an incomprehensible fate! For instance…

What if Stan Lee still wrote Stan’s Soapbox in 2018?

Hey True Believers, it’s your favorite king of the cameo, Old Smiling Stan, emphasis on old. Can’t lie to you, every day I’m feeling the weight of 95 aching years with each step I take. It is unbearable. If I could share advice to you kids out there, it’s important to stretch. Take it from me, there’s always time to stretch. Your muscles and bones will thank you when you’re older.

All complaining aside, I know that these are difficult times we live in, almost like when Thanos devastated The Avengers in the last movie featuring a cameo from yours truly, except our lives are not fictional.

It seems like only yesterday that I declared that crack is whack, and I’m here to tell you, there’s a greater whack amongst us, and that’s gun violence. There’s some serious whack whack for you to digest, and add a dash of racism and you got a whole lot of shaking going on like when the Incredible Hulk and the blue-eyed Thing do the Double Dutch.

And all this silly division from a group called Comicsgate. I have a few words for you haters. Stop it. Just stop it. Our comic community is up to 250,000 sales units according to “The Return of Wolverine” sales, and if you keep dividing that small number further, the number gets smaller, and smaller yet, until it becomes nothing. Here’s a solution, just buy extra copies of the Marvel books written and drawn only by white men, and ignore the rest. You’re welcome.

Someone keeps stealing my mail and moving my wheelchair! When I find out who’s doing this, so help me.

I would say face front, but it’s hard to tell where the front is anymore. It’s time to keep civil before we have a Civil War III or another Secret Wars. Psst, don’t tell the Direct Competition, but we make better movies now. Until next time, Excelsior!