Jeremiah Butterworth was a superhero. Emphasis on was. It turned out, each time he used his incredible powers, he was taking years off his life, like how you take sips from a soda until it is gone. He was also the sole heir of the Mrs. Butterworth® fortune.
He is now a shell of the man he once was, so, so frail and decrepit. He had more wrinkles than a rotting ugli fruit in the mouth of a slobbering Shar-Pei. He looked like he was a barely healthy seventy-something. He was 28.
In order to preserve what little life he had left, he moved from crime-infested Cleveland, Ohio to the peaceful Chandler, Arizona. He even changed his code name to The Ambler®, the man who walked or moved at a slow relaxed pace.
All was calm until the arrival of the Giant Nazi Robot®, a rogue World War II robot that thinks Germany won World War II, and goes around obliterating non-Nazi states.
The Ambler caught wind of the threat, and did what heroes of his stature did. He negotiated. And when that failed, he knew what had to be done. With this, he rolled up his sleeve and said, “I’m too old for this shit.”
He instantaneously withered and dissolved into nothingness as he attempted to transform into a gigantic trampoline. It is rare when a man’s final words ring so true.