This being a fable, you can bet your sweet petunia pie that this ant will suffer while we learn some sort of lesson.

“Hey dude, you’re blocking the sun.”

The man paused, and looked all about. “Who the what?” He was confused by the curious voice that seemed to come from nowhere.

“Down here, numb brain.” It was a common black ant. If you are familiar with the body language of ants, you would know it was pissed. Seriously.

Surprised that ants could talk, the man responded appropriately, “When the God damn hell did ants start talking?”

The ant proved that it knew snide better than anyone. “How do you think you retarded humans learned how to speak?” The ant revealed its political incorrectness by citing him as human instead of the more proper term, biped mammal.

The man kneeled to get a closer look. He was befuddled upon seeing thousands of ants going at a piece of a nacho cheese Dorito®. He squinted to no avail, until he remembered, he had an app on his phone that could magnify as well as illuminate. He propped up his portable computer and did the opposite of a selfie, pointing the camera away from himself. It felt odd.

The ant, who was proficient with the Iphone®, had a change of heart. It is queer how Mac® users automatically find kinship with fellow Mac® users. “Maybe you’re not so stupid after all. Good. Now that I have your attention, I need to tell you how to reverse all that climate change you all caused. First.”

The man activated the app, providing a bright light. It’s funny how no one bothered to think that all these lumens would also act like an intense heat lamp, especially to the body of tiny frail ants. Even though the ants’ screams sounded cartoonish, it was still horrifying.

MORAL: Always read the manual thoroughly before you use an app.