A Sensible Awakening


Surfing the internet is no longer just a pastime, it is a dangerous pastime. Trust me, you. In the same way drive by shootings has changed the rules of pedestrian safety, you could be at risk.

While eating a ham and swiss on rye with a splotch of mustard, surfing the internet on his laptop, Bruce Keys stumbled upon a website he had never seen before. It was uncanny. It did not take long to realize he had discovered the Multi-Verse.com homepage.

It had the identical layout as YouTube®, but this was quite different. Each rectangle contained live-streaming content of what was happening everywhere and everywhen throughout many different alternate realities.

The first image he clicked on was a mustached version of himself eating a hoagie with a variety of sliced meats and cheeses without any condiments. On the right side of the screen, for his convenience, were suggested videos: Bruce Keys III consuming raw clams, Bruce Keys consuming French toast topped with chocolate crickets, Bruce Keys with Hitler mustache consuming fried pretzel Nazis straight out of the fryer, nude Bruce Keys playing piano while consuming the greasiest fried chicken. He chose to click on Dr. Bruce Keys, P.H.D. consuming self.

It would prove to be the kind of fatal mistake often induced by wanton curiosity. The computer started to whir wildly, and magically, because there is no reasonable scientific data, Bruce got sucked into the monitor and reappeared on a scalding hot silver platter. He deduced the intense heat meant he was in a very large oven.

He recognized the what what, and made the solemn decision that he’d go down fighting like Bugs Bunny, the cartoon character, not the politician. This would explain why he was currently attempting to dress in drag.

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