Always be prepared. Disaster is always a hair’s breadth away. If stranded in a grocery store because of an earthquake, tornado, or local sports team victory, it has been statistically proven that the happiest and safest place to be is in the junk food aisle. 

“I don’t get it.” You could clearly tell by Kit Katz’s deadpan expression, which was equally dim and vacant that he did not get it.

So Laurie DePlorry repeated herself slower and louder as if inappropriately speaking to a deaf person. “I! Have! Been! Constipated! For! Three! Days!”

The declaration caught the attention of everyone in the grocery store, especially that of an elderly woman who reacted by dropping glassware in aisle two, accompanied with an archaic swear, “Godfuck!”

Since this is currently a world where a president refuses relief money to help his country from a natural disaster unless given a formal apology, chaos erupted thusly. Two families circling the same leg of turkey went for it at the exact same time, resulting in fisticuffs and clever quips like, “I saw it first,” “Why you!” “Now you gone and done it.” And “Ow! You knocked out my last natural tooth.”

The produce section became an arena for a makeshift dodgeball match without regulations. When hit in the cheek with an overly ripe plum, splat ‘is’ the proper sound effect, the true onomatopoeia. For a situation escalating in violence, there was a lot of glee. A woman, who looked like a Viking, picked up a half watermelon and broke it over the head of a man who sported an overly stylized mustache, it was very obvious he put a lot of time into it. To be fair, he was a pompous dove and had it coming.

Kit, who was very unaware of his surroundings, said, “Oh, that would explain your erratic driving on the way here.”

Laurie leaned forward and screamed into Kit’s face before storming out.

Meanwhile, there was an ironic silence lingering about the cream pies.