Arrival Of The Big Ape®

The Big Ape Maurice

If you think this ape looks like all the other apes, you just may be an apist.

On that fateful day, The Big Ape® arrived on Earth, Washington D.C. to be specific. His mission was simple and true. Make peace with the humans or kill trying. He descended slowly in a beam of bright yellow light. He held up his hands brandishing peace signs with his grossly large fingers. His posture made him look like President Richard Nixon®. Many people instinctively ducked in fear of having feces flung at them. The watching world wanted to know one thing: What the hell was this?

As The Big Ape® touched down, he was immediately surrounded by an eager Secret Service. Behind them, the armed services stood with their weapons drawn, and way, way back, perched up in an oak tree, a man eating an apple while handling a bazooka.

The Big Ape® activated a pause mechanism, technically a paralyzing ray, freezing everyone in place, yet keeping them conscious to receive the message. Obviously, The Big Ape® comes from a society much more advanced than ours.

For this, and so many other things, I envy The Big Ape®’s home world. In a yet to be discovered by mankind galaxy, exists a planet called Monkeytown®. It is an actual civilization where all shared and shared alike. Peace always overruled prosperity. Respect always overruled the opposite of respect. No plastics. No humans. The only downside was, there was fecal matter everywhere.

According to their ways, the largest heart will always represent them. Thusly, The Big Ape® was chosen because of his ridiculously enlarged heart. Cardiomegaly is no laughing matter. Consult a doctor if shortness of breath increases and swelling occurs. Some may experience fatigue, palpitations and sleepwalking. If this happens, ask your doctor to find a cure.

The Big Ape® cleared his throat. His voice did not fit him, for he spoke like Liberace. “Humans. Citizens of Earth. Aliens, both illegal and legal. Trump. I am The Big Ape®, and I come in peace. To assure the veracity of my message, I would like to begin with a joke. A rabbi. Wait. Are there any rabbis in the house? My writers promised me this joke would kill, but it’s pretty offensive to rabbis. I apologize in advance. So, this rabbi and a priest. Are there any priests in the house? This joke does not portray them in a good light either. But hey, it’s a joke, right? And jokes are based on stereotypes.”

This went on for seventeen minutes. If Earth learned anything that fateful day, it was that Monkeytonians have a horrible sense of humor and they will soon be taking over Earth.

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