And Another One Gone, And Another One Gone

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This is the Omni Hotel® in Dallas, the one in Texas. Many things have happened here over the years. This is just one more incident.

In her current state, Mary Zweibel knew only two things; this was not her bathroom and she had to seriously hurl. She hugged the cold porcelain toilet and moaned “Earl”, while spewing the contents of her stomach through her mouth and into the water, which then splashed back into her face. She coughed. This expulsion revealed two more bits of information. One, she had last eaten pasta; and two, the sickening sweet stench of Red Bull® and whatever else the fuck is in a Vegas Bomb™ forced the disgusting stream out of her face. For those who need to know, the other ingredients are Crown Royal Canadian Whiskey®, Malibu Coconut Rum®, peach schnapps, and a splash of cranberry juice. The thick choking aroma of sugar forced her to vomit again, and then the sight of it made her repeat the violent spasms.

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The Unicorn’s Last Christmas

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The unicorn was the three-dollar bill of the animal kingdom, followed closely by the exaggerating inchworm.

In the true spirit of Christmas, Mr. Derby exclaimed, “And a Merry Christmas to you!” accompanied with an extended middle finger. You would too if you were soaked to the bone by a car purposely driving close to curbs in order to splash unsuspecting pedestrians with slush. Depending on which side you’re on, it’s either hilarious or painfully tragic. In Mr. Derby’s case, it was the latter. In retrospect, it was the perfect ending to the worst day of his life.

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The True Meaning Of Christmas

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Before GPS, there was the North Star.

It was Christmas Eve and Dad came home drunk as if it were yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. Long story short, Dad was one of them functioning alcoholics. None of this mattered to me. I was eight years old and I needed to know one thing: What is the meaning of Christmas.

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A Christmas Carol Starring Santa Claus

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He sees you when you’re sleeping, but who sees him? Huh? Think about that before you sleep tonight.

Santa Claus woke up in a cold sweat from disturbing dreams in where he was visited by the spirits of Christmas past, present and future. Each vision warned him of the perils of continuing his path of gratuitous benevolence. At first, he thought it may have been the dessicant, a hygroscopic substance used as a drying agent, he accidentally swallowed while eating packaged seaweed.

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