Permit For Falling

Peanuts fallen can't get up

I had fallen. I could not get up. I was outside upon a sidewalk amidst an extreme polar vortex. I did not have the luxury of grabbing a shower curtain to slow my fall, not like that scary hag of a bad actress who falls in a bathtub and says, “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up”™. At last, here is my comeuppance for mocking the elderly who depend on Life Alert®, America’s leading senior medical alert system. For reasons beyond my limited knowledge, the impact of the fall made me incapable of speech.
Continue reading

“Rabbit In Your Headlight Dreams” by THOM YORKE WITH U.N.K.L.E. Vs. FLEETWOOD MAC

Mac-Yorke-U.N.K.L.E

Check out this creature! Fleetwood Mac provides the musical background. Listen to that steady competent drum work from Mick Fleetwood. Vocals are by Thom Yorke of Radiohead from a collaborative work with U.N.K.L.E. I’d like to dedicate this to all the brave groundhogs in America. Thank you for your service.

Continue reading

The Starving Village And The Questionable Provider

The Starving Village.jpg

“Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! You are all about to die!”

The tiny village was in complete disarray. First, the peaceful villagers were overtaken by pillaging Huns, and let me tell you, these Huns were total dicks, they took all their food and women, leaving behind a tragic hungry sausage population. Second, nature, in the form of an unsympathetic typhoon devastated their homes. Finally, third, they were dimwitted.

Continue reading

Groundhog Day Is My Christmas Jam, Yo

groundhog day ornament.jpg

My favorite ornament, and it has nothing to do with the similarity to my grandpuhpah. I hate the way Americans disrespect their elders with their ugly pronunciations.

It is not an accident that I arrived in Pennsylvania, America for the very first time on February 2nd, 1984. It would be the last official year that America was still the land of opportunity, and not this competitive reality show of point and blame the newest immigrant. It was methodically purposeful that it was Groundhog’s Day.

I shit you not, I am a native of Carmexico, yes, the country that supplies the world with ironic lip balm, and the people who resemble human-sized groundhogs. I had to see for myself that there was actually an American holiday dedicated to the animal-sized version of my people.

Continue reading