The True Measure

Superhero

Not many people knew that Jeremiah had gender issues he never dealt with.

Jeremiah Butterworth was a superhero. Emphasis on was. It turned out, each time he used his incredible powers, he was taking years off his life, like how you take sips from a soda until it is gone. He was also the sole heir of the Mrs. Butterworth® fortune.

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Expectancy

582px-Charles_Rosen

Celebrating National Piano Day with a classical pianist playing “Uranus”.

James Joo was more than excited. In fact, he could barely stay in his clothes, a Hawaiian shirt with phallic macaws and tight too-white jeans. They were too tight. James was oblivious to male pride due to his miniscule penis. Luckily for him, he did not care. He was a classical pianist, measured not by sexual prowess, but by the playing of quality notes in a pleasurable sequential order.

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Chimp Off The Old Block

800px-Chimpanzee_seated_at_typewriter

Face front with this fact! A chimpanzee wrote the original draft of Iron Man III.

Chester was lost in thought, examining his long hands, which are far superior to the primitive humans. He was contemplating the existence of microscopic civilizations in his hairy knuckles. For some reason, he was placed in a sterile room with five other hairy primates and six typewriters. They were being monitored through a window by a dozen humans wearing lab coats.

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Raise, Then Fold

hand-rolling-tobacco

To a smoker, a potential cigarette. To the same smoker without the use of hands, worthless.

Painstakingly, due to recent broken knuckles and in general, hand, Jeff Stillwell rolled the worst cigarette ever. In fact, the cigarette was as gnarled as his newly demented fingers, nonetheless, it dangled on his bottom cracked dry lip, while strands of tobacco fell. He would soon discover that lighting the cigarette was impossible without the aid of healthy thumbs. The growing frustration was maddening. Upon deeper meditation, he thought this might be a good time to finally quit smoking.

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